I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
