you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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