you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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