well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
