I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
