What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
