The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
