I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I want to fling myself into the sun
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
