come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
