I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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