She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
