I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
