She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Sext me about skeletons
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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