totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
