I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
