I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
