i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Holy shit dude........stairs
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
