I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You need Xanax blowdarts
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
