WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
