Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
No stitches, just platelets and will power
honey bunches of taint.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
