Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
