i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
