I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
