Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
