im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I love you. Go after that dick
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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