i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
