so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
