yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
