It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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