i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
