Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
