in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
