She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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