that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
