Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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