Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
