My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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