I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
