My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?