I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.