She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
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hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
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The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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