well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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