I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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