i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
