i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
