I cut my penus on the lid.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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