Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
