She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
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I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
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You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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