actually, I'm a sock model
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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