How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
