Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
