How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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