She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
