upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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