My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
