i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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