Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
