There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize