I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
