I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
