I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
