just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
